if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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