I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
