1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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