Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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