Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
