my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
