I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize