Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
