Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
you told grandpa to call you daddy
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
