I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
