my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
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