All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
