She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
