True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Randomize
