yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
