Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
