mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Randomize
