It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
