Cold hands, warm shart.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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