Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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