I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
