Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
