Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
