I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
