He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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