She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
