I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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