Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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