just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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