Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
