It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
