I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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