Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
