Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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