you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
