did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
