It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
