i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
