my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
