I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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