I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
