I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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