So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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