i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
