Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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