I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
