i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
