Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
