I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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