I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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