he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize