i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
