put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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