he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
