woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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