May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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