I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
