if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
