Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
