think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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