i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
