She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
